A Thank You Note to My New 7" TV

Dear 7" Color LCD TV that will be placed across from my toilet,

Thank you so much for allowing yourself to be bought off of Amazon.com at a reduced rate and Super-Saver shipping from a reputable third party seller. Your stellar combination of being reasonably priced and having a 4 star rating will no doubt provide me, your new owner, with a highly enjoyable bathroom experience for many years to come.
So kudos. And welcome.
I know what you're thinking. You're probably worried that some vain, pretentious buyer snatched you from an online clearance sale and will take you for granted. Well, worry no more. You'll find no pretention or vanity here. Except for the vanity under the sink. You see, that pun was intentional. Get used to it. Puns are kinda my thing. A big reason why I'm not published and you're a 7" screen instead of 27".
How could I take you for granted when I'm so super-psyched that you're here? You can expect to be mounted on the wall directly across from the porceline commode. Just south of the towel rack and just north of the toilet tissue dispenser.
But don't worry. You won't be used exclusively when I'm making twosies. In fact, you'll be positioned strategically so that I can still watch your reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror when I'm taking my baths. Because if you weren't, I'd have to sit uncomfortably on the drain stopper where the faucet juts into my back. And that's just not conducive to relaxing viewing. Or for making bubble beards while pretending to be Santa.
Think of all the fun we'll have! I'll shave, you'll broadcast the morning news. I'll floss, you'll scroll the sports ticker. I'll pee, you'll try not to get any on you. We'll make a great team!
Sure they'll be some tough times. I can't use the channel program guide like advertised because your manual is written in Korean. Also, you're an electrical device so I can't get you wet; I'm a splasher in the tub. We'll work on it.
But in the end, I fully anticipate a fruitful and successful relationship. They say that the average human spends 3 years of their life in the bathroom. I'm kinda irregular and spend a little more than most, so we'll have a long time to get to know each other.

C-ya soon,

Duke