When Life Hands You Lemons...

In celebration of getting a new car last week, I thought I'd reflect on some of the automobiles I've owned in the past. The junkers, the clunkers, the barely rolling jalopies. Also, this month marks the 12th anniversary of the time I almost killed a man on a motorcycle. Attempted vehicular manslaughter, thankfully, is not a chargeable offense.

1985 Pontiac Grand Am: The first. Blue, with rust trim. In 1996, I was 17 and would have driven a golf cart if it would've gotten me out of the house. But six months after I got my license I plowed through a motorcycle and nearly killed the rider. Miraculously, my car got the worst of it. Sans bumper, I continued to drive it with the replaced fenders painted only with primer black. With the rear of the car still undamaged and blue, it looked like a rolling contusion. Yeah, I was that guy in high school.

1992 Isuzu Pickup: The 1992 Isuzu truck didn't even have a model name. Just Pickup. The name says it all. Manual shift, no AC, no power windows, no power steering. Terrible for picking up girls to take to the movies. Great for picking up Mexican laborers and taking them to job sites.

1994 Nissan Sentra: 180,000 miles, cigarette burns in the cloth seats, leaky sunroof, screechy serpantine belt, spotty heating, touch-and-go brakes, smelled like fish. But it had a killer sound system and skull chromies on the tire valves. Far and away my favorite. Sold it to a friend who still owned it up until recently.

1994 Buick Regal: I drove this when I moved to Detroit for one simple reason: No criminal with any self-respect would attempt to carjack it. I sold this car in 2003 for 200 bucks. The buyer's check bounced. All in all I netted 90 dollars.

But when I got married, my wife, at the time an accountant at Ford Motor Co., she got the employee discount, so I was spoiled to the tune of three new cars in the next five years. Nice perk. But now she works at a company that makes large industrial diesel engines. So unless I want to drive a school bus or a power generator to work, I needed to dive back into the used car markets.

Once again, here's a poem.

My old lease was up and I needed a car.
To find a used dealer, you don't have to go far.
A Chrysler or Chevy, a Toyota or Ford;
Maybe a Volvo, or a Honda Accord.

I pulled into the lot just a little bit skeptical,
The balloons, banners and music made quite a spectacle.
A salesman approached in his tie and short sleeves,
But these types of slicksters are my biggest pet peeves.

With a wide toothy grin he extended his hand.
"We've got great selections of every brand!
We've got all kinds of cars, both brand new and used.
I can even help you out if your credit is bruised."

"I know you're busy, and I don't mean to trouble you,
But someone just traded in a red BMW.
It's certified pre-owned and has been driven quite gently.
I also have a Benz and a second-hand Bentley."

I reply, "I do not want anything with that kind of flash.
The insurance alone would eat up my cash.
And I don't respond well to your sales hocus pocus;
How about something more sensible - a Dodge or a Focus?"

He says "What if I told you I'd make you a deal
On an all-wheel drive Infiniti automobile?
You could leave here today seated behind the wheel
I would not pass it up. It's considered a steal."

"It's a silver sedan with a charcoal interior,
Very budget-friendly, and looks quite superior.
Anti-lock brakes and a sporty suspension.
And too many features to remember to mention."

"We have the best financing in all of the town -
Our low APR will make you jump up and down.
How about we do business and sign all the papers?
I'll even throw in some floor mats and extra ice scrapers."

He offered me coffee, water or Coke.
"You're a lawyer, you say? Well here's a good joke:
How many attorneys do you think it would take..."
I say "Stop right there, you're making a mistake."

"You see, you and me, we're like kindred spirits -
People make fun, but we don't like to hear it.
The lawyer and salesman are destested and hated.
And so it is our professions are fated."

"But when we team up at least we can be civil,
And not stoop to all of this stereotypical drivel.
So let's make a pact and vow to play nice.
And then we can start to haggle over price."

"And oh by the way, the correct answer is 'two'.
One to screw in the bulb and the other to sue."