Pomp and Circumstance

My dog April graduated from obedience class today. She was given a diploma and a hat to wear. She promptly tried to eat both. Other than that, she passed with flying colors. They even took our picture. It's posted on the left side of this page. She's the one without the bad haircut and ridiculous attempt at a goatee.

I was invited to give the graduation speech. Actually I made that part up. But if I was, this is how it would go:

Southside PetSmart Beginner Puppy Class of 2008:

I am honored to be here standing before you today at your commencement. Thank you for such a kind introduction, Instructor Rob. I'm truly humbled to be speaking to such a diverse and intelligent graduating class. First of all, congratulations. And heel.

You've all come a long way since you were all young whelps running around sniffing each others' private parts - yes, Mr. Sneakers, I'm looking at you - you rascal. And Vinnie, the Yorkshire Terrier, why, I remember when all you could do is bark and pee in the corner. Now look at you - you're a regular Lassie - rolling over and playing dead on command. Bravo. No, sit, sit, SIT!

Good boy.

And who could forget the time Hank the Boxer mix tried to eat Roxy the Chihuahua? I still defend you to this day for that Hank! LOL. Roxy was a bitch. Literally.

Oh, the places you all will go. There's no limit to what you can acheive. Who would think now that just 8 weeks ago, none of you could shake? Let alone come when called. Kudos to all of you.

Sure, there have been setbacks. Ginger pooped on the floor, like, nine times. Bandit can't obey the stay command to save his life and we're pretty sure Rocky's mildly retarded. But you've overcome those obstacles! You've reached for the stars and come up with a paw full of moondust! And Snausages.

So don't let anyone tell you that can't do something because you're a dog. You can be AKC registered if you want. You can enter the Westminster Dog Show if you desire. Now in all liklihood you'll run away or get hit by a car before too long. But don't let that bring you down. Dream big.

In closing, be sure that you don't forget what you learned here. If you do forget, it will most likely get you kicked by your owners in frustration after they've spent a long day at the office and come home to find you with a ripped up throw pillow in your jaws. But don't let that discourage you. Retrieve those slippers! Fetch that newspaper! Walk loose-leash! You'll thank yourselves for it. Even if your impatient owners don't.

So Gizmo, Bear, Sasha and Rusty, Dixie, Lucky and the rest, it's been fun. If you take one thing away from me on this day - one thing to keep in mind as you progress through this life as man's best friend - remember to find your own distinct voice in this world.

Unless your wearing an electronic bark collar.

Because getting shocked probably sucks.