Slim Pickins

Who left the booger on the wall above the men's urinal in the 3rd floor restroom?
Seriously, guys, it's been there for a month. I've let it go until now. But we need to talk about it. C'mon, we're all in this together. There's only one bathroom on the floor for about seventy dudes. One stand-up and one sit-down. We gotta look out for each other.
A nose nugget on the backsplash isn't the way to do it.
I have to stare at it every day after morning coffee. It's just hanging there like a tiny, disgusting piece of modern art. If you're expecting someone else to pick it off for you, it ain't gonna happen. I wouldn't do it with rubber gloves and a pair of tongs. Its your snot rocket. You take care of it.
The custodial staff isn't going to scrape it off. This is state government. They got the job because they were the lowest bid contractors. If I was a janitor getting paid minimum wage to clean up after guys like us, I wouldn't wipe off our nasal secretions either.
Didn't have a Kleenex handy? Toilet tissue? Handkerchief? Sleeve? If you come forward and claim the chunk of dried mucus, I will personally purchase you a neti pot for future cleansing.
I have my suspects. Barry from IT and Deepak from Human Resources are on my short list. Chances are, one or both of these shady characters are the same culprits who silently broke wind yesterday on the commuter shuttle.
Then again, I've also caught Glenn from Receivables neglecting to wash his hands after twosies and Manuel in the mail room admittedly doesn't have very good aim. And please flush, gentlemen. For the love of all that's holy, just flush. Twice for good measure.
I appreciate the IKEA catalog left in the stall last week. That was a nice surprise. Would've prefered a Maxim, but it'll do. And whoever brought in the Citrus Magic air freshener is an absolute saint. But it still doesn't atone for the floater left last Thursday or the wads of chewing gum circling the urinal cake clogging the drain.
We all have to realize that we're not as fortunate as the women. We've all heard the rumors. Huge, sprawling clean stalls - four to a washroom! Artwork, flowers and candles. Scented handsoaps! A couch! And bidets! Can you imagine? Bidets!
But we have to make do with what we have: broken tiles with dirty grout, drippy plumbing and a busted stall door latch. So we must rely on each other to leave it as we found it. I guarantee we'll all have a much more pleasant experience.
Just because we have third world facilities doesn't mean we have to treat each other with third world etiquette.
Thanks .