A Victory for the Fat Kids Everywhere

When God sat down to create me, it's unlikely that He thought to Himself, "I'm gonna make me an athlete." No, I think His intentions were more along the lines of, "I'm gonna make me a slightly effiminate, doughy man-boy who would rather spend time at JoAnn's Fabrics than the batting cage."
Well, if the latter was His intention, then He hit a big home run with me. (By the way JoFabs is having a sale this weekend. I'll see you there at four.)
Today was different, however. Today, irony cast a long-overdue smile in my direction. When it comes to the race of life, usually irony is a cruel timekeeper, pointing its starting gun in your face and pulling the trigger. But sometimes, like today, it meets you at the finish line with an Aquafina, a hug, and a stale bagel.
In my 28 years, I've never placed first in any kind of athletic competition. In fact, I'd be hard-pressed to name you anytime I've finished in the top half. But that trend was bucked earlier this morning when I completed a 10k as the top finisher in my age division. Number one! Numero uno!
They placed a medal around my neck. People clapped and cheered. And no, it wasn't the handicapped or disabled division. It was a legitimate first place finish for males ages 25-29.
Now back to reality. The truth is, I was the only male aged 25-29 who showed up.
This is strange because there were lots of competitors. There were plenty of females aged 25-29 and plenty of other males aged 1-24 and 30 and over. But no one in my age group cared to show. And when opportunity presents itself, I will pounce on that opportunity like it's a delicious Little Debbie Snack Cake.
So I've had time to reflect on this twist of fate. I'm not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed. I guess I'm a little of both. But at the end of the day, I was the one crossing the finish line. Albeit sweat-soaked, waddling and throwing up a little. But it's not my fault my peers didn't show up. I'm keeping the medal.
And if they want to take it back, they'll have to pry it out of my thick, chubby fingers.