Of Comet and Scrubbing Bubbles

In law school, when the preparation and study really begin to kick in, something as seemingly insignificant as tidying up can become woefully neglected. This, in a chronological nutshell, is the progression (regression?) of the state of my apartment during the month of October.

October 1st - Apartment is clean. Surfaces wiped down. The smell of Formula 501 with a hint of Orange-scented Endust has never been so euphorically intoxicating. Carpet is vacuumed. Dishes are done, clothing is ironed and hung in closet. Bed is made and one could bounce quarter off the taut bedspread. Is that an Air Wick? But of course.

October 4th - Coat is on the couch. Bottles and cans beginning to collect in recycling bin. Post-its and wadded shreds of perforated dot matrix paper strips litter desktop. Toilet lid open, but water remains clear. Rumpled bed is made, but sheets conspicuously hangs down beneath comforter. Can't find bed skirt.


October 7th - Single slipper left on living room rug. One or two dishes visible, but food on said dishes has not yet spoiled. Razor is dulled and slightly rusted, and bits of beard stubble line drain. Scope bottle very nearly empty. Wet towel hung from bathroom doorknob. Empty reed diffuser tipped over on top of the armoir.


October 10th - Three socks and a pair of boxers can be found on recliner. The fourth sock is in the microwave. Evidence of last night's dinner (Chili Frito Pie) stain the carpet. Two meal’s worth of dishes are in the sink, unwashed. Sour cream in fridge expires tomorrow. No rotting food. Yet. Trash can nearing full.


October 13th - Can't find car keys. Shower curtain beginning to mildew. Clotted toothpaste dots the sink. Bathroom mirror covered in water spots. Pot of half-eaten Kraft dinner sits on the bare mattress. Bathrobe is now bathmat. Water rings on desk from three-day-old coffee mug.


October 16th - Dust-covered gummy bears are scattered on the floor under desk. Pizza box on table has an ant or two. Brown apple core on nightstand. For some reason there's dried yogurt on the remote control. Contents of chemistry set bought on Ebay spilled on carpet. Smell of curry is noticeable in every corner of the house.


October 19th - Girlfriend won’t visit under any circumstances. Congealed sludge that was was chocolate milk is at the bottom of most drinking glasses. Fourteen feral cats have nested in hall closet. Lots of popcorn kernels fill kitchen sink. Greasy pillowcase doubles as welcome mat. Lou Reed record on broken turntable sk-sk-sk-skips but power cord is maddingly out of reach.


October 22nd - Rent notice is taped on door. Mexican hitchhiker sleeping on floor. This explains the Piñata. DVD player stuffed with toast. Lampshades are missing. Moths flutter around flickering halogen bulb. Thermostat does not work and is coated in dried blackberry jam. Bathtub now home of sick pet turtle. Barbells of weight set covered in mustard and feathers.

October 25th - Bathroom now off limits. Water turned off and toilet is filled with TidyCat. Small grease fire burning in oven. Attempt to clean kitchen results in scabies. Rodents have adversely possessed pantry. Refrigerator overturned, filled with reeking laundry. Scrambled eggs and rusty bits of steel wool in busted blender. Is that a dead goat in the entryway?


October 31st - Family of nomadic squatters in living room. Trick-or-treaters don't even bother. Scabies has spread to other tenants who shout threatening obscenities throughout the night. Pages of law books used to soak up blood in kitchen. Opossum and nomadic squatters fight constantly. Always itching. Television works, but stuck on Canal de Venezuela Vivos. Fridge houses mangy cur. Can't. Quite. Focussssss.....



Originally written 10-31-02.