Now listen, I know that this blog has generally devolved into low-brow, gross-out discussions about the current state of the third floor bathroom in my building, but I feel that it is imperative that my readership (both of you) is educated on the subject. It is not my intention to be crass, but you might not want to read this on a full stomach. The scene is truth, the conversation is embellished.
Pilot screenplay for a new police procedural:
C.S.I.: Crap Scene Investigation
Based on a true story.
SCENE 1
FADE-IN
Setting: Third Floor Restroom, State Government Building - Mid-afternoon; Yellow police caution tape cordons off doorway. Toilet augers and plumbing snakes litter floor. Urinal ripped from wall and lying in pool of filth. Plungers scattered haphazardly throughout. Nary a maintenance man in sight.
Enter Detective DUKE (late 20s, strikingly handsome) accompanied by BARRY from IT (sweaty, overweight, vacant stare).
BARRY from IT
So whad'ya think?
DUKE
Well, it's not pretty.
BARRY
Any clues?
DUKE
Several. Look closely at the HVPSA.
BARRY
The what?
DUKE
The high velocity poop splatter analysis.
It clearly indicates that someone took a dump in the urinal.
BARRY
(laughing nervously, incredulous - yet somehow suspicious- look of contempt on his face)
Disgusting! Who would do such a thing?
DUKE
Someone who had Taco Bell for lunch this afternoon. That's who.
So whad'ya think?
DUKE
Well, it's not pretty.
BARRY
Any clues?
DUKE
Several. Look closely at the HVPSA.
BARRY
The what?
DUKE
The high velocity poop splatter analysis.
It clearly indicates that someone took a dump in the urinal.
BARRY
(laughing nervously, incredulous - yet somehow suspicious- look of contempt on his face)
Disgusting! Who would do such a thing?
DUKE
Someone who had Taco Bell for lunch this afternoon. That's who.
DUKE pauses. Rubs stubbled chin with thumb and forefinger. Pulls on a rubber glove. Points at fallen urinal.
DUKE
You see the way the pattern is spattered across the porceline?
Its a clear sign of irritable bowel syndrome.
Wait a minute! Barry, don't you have I.B.S.?
You see the way the pattern is spattered across the porceline?
Its a clear sign of irritable bowel syndrome.
Wait a minute! Barry, don't you have I.B.S.?
BARRY falls silent. Look of shame darkens his visage. Yet he throws his hands up in innocence. A paper falls from his pocket. Detective DUKE bends over to pick it up.
DUKE
This is a Taco Bell receipt.
Three chili-cheese burritos, a gordito and a nachos supremo?
Barry, how could you?
BARRY
(defeated, head hanging)
You got me. I did it. But I had to.
Someone was using the stall and I couldn't hold it.
It was either in there or in the sink.
This is a Taco Bell receipt.
Three chili-cheese burritos, a gordito and a nachos supremo?
Barry, how could you?
BARRY
(defeated, head hanging)
You got me. I did it. But I had to.
Someone was using the stall and I couldn't hold it.
It was either in there or in the sink.
BARRY begins to cry. He turns to run. DUKE radios to dispatch.
DUKE
All units, we have a Code Deuce.
Suspect fleeing on foot.
Male, mid-40s, ridiculous Hawaiian shirt.
All units, we have a Code Deuce.
Suspect fleeing on foot.
Male, mid-40s, ridiculous Hawaiian shirt.
DUKE, red-faced, shakes head, looks into camera.
DUKE
It Just! Doesn't! Get! Any! Easier!
It Just! Doesn't! Get! Any! Easier!
FADE OUT
2 comments:
It's way too early in the morning to make me laugh like that.
that could be the most disgusting thing i ever heard, except for the pile of pooh on the bathroom floor at my workplace two weeks ago...
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