More Notes on Sandwiches

If you know me personally (and all three of you do), it is well documented that I eat sandwiches and nothing but. Maybe soup as well, but only accompanied by at least a half-sandwich in some sort of 'pick-two' combo meal situation.
Because Earl is already taken, I am dubbing myself the Duke of Sandwich. The following is the Duke’s Treatise of Sandwiching. I will take suggestions for amendments; however, the process is quite cumbersome and it is not guaranteed that your suggestion will be considered. It’s a dictatorship, not a democracy. In other words: what I say goes.

1. Hamburgers, hot dogs, wraps, Lunchables, pitas, and open-face items are not considered sandwiches for the purposes of this discussion and are therefore not under the Duke’s jurisdiction at this time. The Duke reserves the right for annexation of these ‘pseudo-sandwiches’. Schawarma lovers should not get their hopes up, however.

2. Pickles are a garnish, not a fixin’. They DO NOT belong on sandwiches in any circumstance.

3. Sandwiches au jus are a crime against nature and will not be tolerated. Ever.

4. There is a reason for the trade embargo with our communist neighbors to the south. It’s not Fidel Castro and his fascist policies. It’s Cuban sandwiches. Cubans have nothing else to offer except cigars. As excellent as hand-rolled Cohibas are, they only serve to cancel out the Cuban Sandwich in the fair trade paradigm. The embargo shall remain. They do not belong in America. Send them back like Elián González . On an important side-note, chorizo is banned throughout the Dukedom because chorizo is gross.

5. Tuna, egg and chicken salads are just that – salads. They are side items to be served stand-alone or on crackers. You can put anything between two slices of bread and call it a sandwich, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. It’s cheating. And you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking otherwise.

6. Grilled cheese sandwiches, PBJs, BLTs, Fluffernutters (or any marshmallow crème variation thereof), etc., fall squarely at the bottom of the sandwich food chain. This is non-negotiable. The Duke declares said sandwiches unequivocally delicious, however, due to the often-slapdash nature of making these sandwiches, they should be considered ‘snack’ sandwiches only.

7. Lunch meat/deli tray sandwiches can become transcendent and rise above their base qualities if embellished with the appropriate fixins’. Otherwise it’s just meat and bread. Boring. You’re better than that.

8. The sandwich cookie. See Oreo, Nutterbutters, ice cream sandwiches, et. al.. Not technically a sandwich, per se, but I’m the Duke and I’m breakin’ all the rules. Except Hydrox or E.L. Fudge. They're made by elves.

9. The Sloppy Joe. Great going in. Quick coming out. Still worth it.

10. Club sandwiches are wildly unpredictable and should be regarded with caution. Points will be awarded based on height of stacking and necessity of frilly cocktail toothpicks. Must be served with chips in all circumstances. Pickle spears are permitted for this entrée.

11. Submarines, grinders, heroes, and hoagies will all be considered the same for these purposes. Their ranking can fluctuate based on variation. Meatball subs and Philly Cheesesteaks are two superior examples of long sandwiches. Fast-food subs like Blimpie, Jimmy Johns or Quiznos drag down the category. But they’ll do for the on-the-go crowd.

12. Monte Cristo. Deep-fried sandwich. ‘Nuff said.

13. Paninis, melts and other toasted sandwiches are excellent if done right. Sogginess is an omnipresent danger with such sandwiches and should be monitored accordingly during preparation. But a well done melt is delightful and delicious.

14. The Reuben. Sandwich perfection. Meaty, salty, and ever-so satisfying. This is the kind of sandwich where you’re stuffed full halfway through, but you just have to finish. Even if it means knee-buckling diarrhea cramps. This sandwich openly defies the law of diminishing returns. I’ll eat one for breakfast, lunch, dinner and midnight snack. It’s that good.

15. The Leftover Sandwich. The pinnacle of all sandwiches. The summit. The zenith. The apex. Seriously, is there anything better than lunch on the Friday afternoon after Thanksgiving? Bring out the Wonder Bread, Hellmann’s and dark meat turkey – it’s Sandwich Time! Also see: Meatloaf Sandwich and cold Pork Roast Sandwich.