In my quest for fame and fortune (coupled with my unquenchable lust for attention), I figured out how to do both. So last week, my glowing countenance was splashed across the pages of a web site that is read by approximately 340.7 billion people daily. Imagine the thrill of checking your morning Internet favorites and discovering that you are included in that day's current events. I was pretty stoked to be hurled face-first into the World Wide Marketplace of Ideas. Forever will I live on in digital perpetuity as the dude who digs Fight Club and the television show Lost.
However, this particular site also allows other readers to comment on the daily profile in an anonymous forum geared toward generating discussion about the Reader of the Day's pop culture references. For example, I listed Bob Dylan as one of my favorite artists. Theoretically, the forum gatherers would discuss the merits of his Highway 61 album over Blood on the Tracks.
But this was not the case.
Instead, the comments largely focused on the lo-res picture I submitted as part of my profile. A lot of the notes were positive (much to my wife's chagrin), like "He's pretty cute" or "Looks like a cool guy to hang with". But the overwhelming majority of the comment threads were about my apparent resemblance to a particular Hollywood actor:
Steven Seagal.
Really? Steven Seagal? The dude in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory? No way. The pudgy mind-reader guy from Heroes, maybe. But Steven Seagal? You've gotta be kidding me. I'm totally offended.
But then I got to thinking. Perhaps I've underestimated the awesomeness of being compared to one of the greatest action stars of our time. Maybe Steven Seagal and I are kindred spirits. Maybe we're destined to go down as the greatest duo the entertainment industry (and the world) has ever seen.
Consider these and the similarities are eerily obvious:
- Steven Seagal was born in Lansing, Michigan. / I have been to Lansing, Michigan. Twice.
- Steven Seagal worked at Burger King after graduating high school. / Burger King is one of my favorite restaurants.
- Steven Seagal is a internationally known aikido martial artist who has kicked many-a-butt in his time. /I once engaged in drunken fisticuffs with a bouncer in Windsor, Ontario.
- Steven Seagal's movies have grossed over $850 million dollars worldwide. / I had a cable access show in college that no one watched except my mom.
- Steven Seagal is a singer-songwriter who has released two albums and has toured all over the U.S. and Europe with his band. / I was in my high school's jazz choir and toured all over Indiana.
- Steven Seagal is a renowned environmentalist who has raised awareness through such direct-to-video movie titles such as On Deadly Ground and Fire Down Below./ I recycle. Sometimes.
- Steven Seagal has a really gay looking ponytail. / I had a really gay-looking pageboy haircut until I was 13.
- Steven Seagal claims that he can supernaturally speak to animals due to his divine nature as a reincarnated Tibetan tulku. / I can get my dog to sit, roll over and fetch a tennis ball.
Uncanny, right? And to think, all this time, I was more of a Van Damme fan.
1 comments:
Dude, you wish you were as cool as Seagal.
--Creepy anonymous commenter
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